Very Short Showing Work

She runs as fast as she possibly can, turning corners, dodging obstacles,

trying to insert as much distance as possible. She throws open a door, only

to find a long, dark corridor with many more doors. She sprints down it,

opening one at random and peering inside, judging. She enters cautiously.

Her heart races, perspiration pouring down her back. She is fighting for

breath now, most of her energy exerted from the past hour’s events.

It is a large bedroom, obviously unused. All furniture, very ornate, is

covered in a thick layer of dust. Inhaling fully, the stench of old camphor

mothballs and something else unknown enters sharply into her nostrils. Her

eyes zip across the room as she desperately searches for a place of refuge

and concealment. They stop on a large wardrobe, tucked away in a corner

of the outsized room. She jogs to it, and yanks on the handle. It doesn’t

budge. Blood pounding in her ears and a small moan escaping from her

lips, she starts pulling on the handle with all her might, grunting from the

effort. Unexpectedly, the wardrobe doors burst open and she is thrown

back, falling in the middle of the floor.

Suddenly a beam of light reaches out from the depths of the wardrobe,

pulsing. Another ray is added. Another. And another. Her blood turns cold

as she stares deep inside, and she crawls, hurries to back up against the

far wall. A low hum is added now, reverberating around the room. Shafts of

light arc across the room, growing ever brighter and brighter. A small orb of

blue light is now pulsing at the core, so close yet so distant. Her breath is

rapid now, in short small bursts. Her heart is pounding, fighting its way out

of her chest. She starts to sob uncontrollably, something awakening deep

within her. The light is now beyond blinding. It fills her to the brim, now part

of her, electricity flowing through her veins, a low pulsing throughout the

room. A metallic taste hits her palate and a liquid fills her mouth as her

jaws tense against the pressure…

Comments & reviews · 9
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User avatar
Fauste
Comment

There is no way to indent on this forum that I know of. You might want to ask one of the Mods though, but I doubt it.

Now onto the story...Interesting start, I set to watch this topic so see where it goes. The ending line is perfectly clear to me.

Fauste

User avatar
Fauste
Review
Fauste wrote a review · Wed Dec 21, 2005 5:12 pm

There is no way to indent on this forum that I know of. You might want to ask one of the Mods though, but I doubt it.

Now onto the story...Interesting start, I set to watch this topic so see where it goes. The ending line is perfectly clear to me.

Fauste

User avatar
David Guinness
Comment

Thanks, Elephant! ...Is there any way to indent?...

Good. I'm glad. A friend of mine didn't get it, but he was half-asleep at the time, so... :lol:

User avatar
Elephant
Comment

YAY...formatted.

To answer your question, yes the last sentance is clear. Actually I quite like it, its very descriptive.

EL

User avatar
David Guinness
Comment

Thank you all. I actually did have it in paragraph format, but apparently I don't know how to use the "PRE" function correctly, because it did exactly the opposite of what it suggested. I'll investigate... *Fixed* (I think...)

This work was written only for the benefit of my language teacher, but it actually pleased me, so I think I'll add on in the near future.

Is the last sentence of the writing clear to understand?

User avatar
Elephant
Review

I suggest reformating this here, so it's easier to read; break it up into paragraphs, that are separated by line breaks. I like this, and with your cliff hanger it has left me wondering, who is the girl, why is she running, and what is happening to her...

Keep it up.
EL

User avatar
*Twilight*
Comment

Good description and no spelling mistakes that I can see. I have to say this is pretty good. It's confusing but thats only because of the short start. I'll be looking out for the next part.

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J. Haux
Comment

Oh! NO telling sentences that I can see. :wink:

Are you going to elaborate and make this a story, David?

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Jessie Hartman
Comment

Nice start, good descriptions. Who is "she"? Anyway, it's good so far, can't wait to see more.



MMM HYD R A T I O N
— cherie